Thursday, January 27, 2011

Loss...

I don't normally post anything "heavy" on my blog.  I try to post about fun things we do, decorating projects, holidays, parties, etc.  Those are the moments I want to remember, not the times when I feel overwhelmed, or stressed, or I'm dealing with some problem or concern.  However, today I need to post something that is heavily weighing on me right now.  I need all the support I can get, and I hope writing this out will help me in some way.

A few days before New Year's Eve, I found out that I was (very unexpectedly!) pregnant.  Rodney and I were shocked, to say the least, but we were both very happy and excited to be adding a new member to our family.  I immediately started dreaming of having a new little baby to love, and started planning all of the little details (things like where the baby would sleep, whether I had kept the car seat carrier, etc).  I would find myself daydreaming about Carter being the big brother, and how much fun he and I would have at home with a new little baby to play with and take care of.  In Target I found two little pairs of matching baby booties on clearance - one pair pink, the other blue - and I couldn't resist snatching them up!  Oh, I had so many hopes and dreams for this new little baby.

I went in for my first OB appointment and had my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy, and about that same time I started getting some major morning (all day) sickness.  I was so relieved that my progesterone level and everything else looked great!  I felt just like I did with every other pregnancy, and after the blood work came back I thought everything was going along smoothly.  I couldn't wait to tell the kids and everyone else.  I was so excited and just giddy with anticipation of all that was to come.  Rodney and I laid in bed at night and whispered about how crazy our lives were about to become with six kids.  We were both so excited and happy about the very unexpected turn our lives were about to take.

Rodney went with me to my first real appointment, because I knew that I would probably get an ultrasound.  After a quick check by my OB, I was sent into the ultrasound room.  I was a little nervous, but I had only had "happy" news in that room in the past, so I figured everything was going to be just fine.  Well, unfortunately, everything was not fine.  The ultrasound technician found that the baby was measuring a bit small, and had a slower than average heart rate.  The biggest concern, however, was that the baby had a large yolk sac.  I had never heard of a large yolk sac before, but the tech told us that it is often a sign of an impending miscarriage.  I couldn't believe what she was saying.  She said, in the same breath, that it was sometimes "nothing," and sent us to talk with our doctor.  Rodney and I numbly sat there and waited for my doctor to talk to us.  I was praying the whole time that he would say that everything was probably going to be ok.  Unfortunately, he gently told us that there was only about a 15% chance that the baby would make it.  He basically told me that I should go home and wait for a miscarriage to happen.  Devastated doesn't begin to describe how I felt in that moment.  I went home and cried for most of the day, and Rodney and I just kept looking at each other in disbelief.  Surely, our baby would beat the odds and be ok, right?  We had to hold onto hope, because statistics were not in our favor.  I prayed continuously for the next 48 hours.

After a couple of days of crying out to God, and doing everything I could to just get through the day, I started having some serious cramping.  I called the nurse and she had me come in for another ultrasound.  This time, we were shocked to learn that the yolk sac had shrunk!  My doctor said he had never seen this happen before.  I started to believe that maybe we were, after all, getting our miracle baby.  The ultrasound technician even said that she was "cautiously optimistic."  I prayed even more fervently and started to believe that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be ok.  The heart rate was still low, and the baby was measuring a bit behind, but there was hope.  We were scheduled for another ultrasound this past Monday, and we were hoping to see a strong heartbeat and some growth.

We had to wait in the waiting room for an agonizing hour before we were called back.  I was told to get undressed as the tech left the room.  Lying on that ultrasound table, I cried out to God as I never have before.  I begged him, bargained with him, and pleaded with him to make this right, to heal our baby.  As the ultrasound tech started the exam, she turned the screen toward me, and I knew right away that we were not getting our miracle.  My hopes and dreams ended right there, with a dark ultrasound screen.  The next few minutes are a blur to me - plans were made for me to have a D&C since I hadn't had a miscarriage on my own, papers were signed, hugs were given and "I'm so sorrys" were said.  None of it made any sense.  Could this really be happening?  Surely not.  We were having a baby - weren't we?

Yesterday I was given a D&C by the same doctor who delivered my other three babies.  How awful it must be to be a doctor who is so accustomed to helping give life, having to see it end.  As for me, I still feel pregnant.  I would have been ten weeks along today.  My hormones are a mess, and tears have been covering my face all day.  The nurse just called to check on me, and I couldn't even choke out the words to tell her how I was feeling.  She wants me to call her back tomorrow because she is worried about me.  I am worried about me, too.  I can't believe that this is now a part of my story.  I want to believe that there will be another baby, but I am not sure if my husband wants to go down this road again.  I keep praying to God to give me peace, and I hope that with time that comes.  For now, I am holding my three precious babies close, and looking forward to the day that I will hold my angel baby in Heaven.

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do


~"Glory Baby" by: Watermark

9 comments:

Jessica said...

Oh, Heather! My heart goes out to you and I wish I could reach right through the screen and give you a great big hug. Losing a baby is such a devastating loss. I've been there myself so I can relate to the feelings you described.

Two months before we got pregnant with Grace we too had a surprise pregnancy. Completely unexpected and completely head-over-heels in love with that sweet baby from the moment we found out. And then I remember the unexpected spotting at one of my best friend's rehearsal dinner that landed us at the ER. I remember like it was yesterday the devastation when we couldn't find the heartbeat on the screen a day later at the doc's office. I remember the elevator ride up to the OR for the D&C. I remember crying my heart out lying on our bed, while Lance tried helplessly to comfort me, even through his own pain. With time, the pain got better and I was able to get to a point of acceptance, not understanding - just acceptance.

All of the feelings you are going through are normal. Don't let anyone rush you through anything, sometimes people say things to try and comfort you that are not comforting at all, like "at least you have other children". Doesn't make the pain go away, I know. But I also know this...that God will be there with you every step of the way, no matter what.

Praying God will calm your heart and heal your pain. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Big hugs my friend,
Jessica

Amanda said...

Thinking of you Heather. Im so sorry for your loss and pray that with time you may find peace.

Stefanie said...

Thank you for being strong enough to share your story with us. I will be praying for you and your family.

My Pigeon Pair said...

Oh Heather,

You are in my thoughts and prayers. Take comfort in those three gorgeous children of yours. Sending you strength from across the ocean.

Natalie said...

Heather...I just found your blog by chance but now I am sure it wasn't by chance at all. We too have lost a baby due to misscarriage and I totally understand the feelings your are experiencing now. Our experience was very similiar to yours and it is still difficult to think about. Prayers and talking to people who understand are the only thing that got me through it. My prayers are with you and your family.

Donna at The Scarlet Petticoat said...

hi heather, i just happened on your blog today. i read your heartbreaking story. i wish you and your husband well at this sad time. you are a strong woman and have become stronger through this experience. at sometime in your future you will be able to use this tragedy to glorify God. to everything there is a season and a purpose under heaven...
warmly, donna ellis

Heather Ann said...

I'm so sorry for you loss. I have a similar story although I lost twins, and I went through all the things you described! It took me almost a year to feel like me again, and even still I get sad and it's been 15 months. I try to remember how blessed I am with the two beautiful girls I was blessed with, but also let myself be sad over my loss. It's human to feel sorrow and you will. I really don't remember much from the few months after my D&C and I'm certain that God carried me through that rough time. No one around me understood what I was feeling, they still don't, but God, even when I was SO angry with him, carried me. When I was ready, I came to terms with it all. I have a stronger faith than ever before, and I know that no matter what happens in my life, God will always be there, even when I can't feel it. Give yourself time, allow yourself to feel whatever you're feeling, and don't let anyone tell you you aren't allowed to. I pray that you feel peace soon, and that whatever God has in store for your future, you have happiness.

From Marriage To Motherhood said...

Heather, after your comment on my blog today I had to stop in and give you my condolences on your miscarriage. I am so, so sorry. You are a wonderful mother to all of your children and they are so blessed to have you in their life, as is your husband. You make their lives, and each of their days, special in so many continous ways. I hope that every time you look at them you are reminded how blessed you are...I'm sure you do. Sending you ((hugs)).

Jodi said...

I am so sorry. So very sorry. I don't know you but I would hug you if I was with you... and since I'm not I will most certainly pray for you and your family instead. God bless.

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