Loss...

I don't normally post anything "heavy" on my blog.  I try to post about fun things we do, decorating projects, holidays, parties, etc.  Those are the moments I want to remember, not the times when I feel overwhelmed, or stressed, or I'm dealing with some problem or concern.  However, today I need to post something that is heavily weighing on me right now.  I need all the support I can get, and I hope writing this out will help me in some way.

A few days before New Year's Eve, I found out that I was (very unexpectedly!) pregnant.  Rodney and I were shocked, to say the least, but we were both very happy and excited to be adding a new member to our family.  I immediately started dreaming of having a new little baby to love, and started planning all of the little details (things like where the baby would sleep, whether I had kept the car seat carrier, etc).  I would find myself daydreaming about Carter being the big brother, and how much fun he and I would have at home with a new little baby to play with and take care of.  In Target I found two little pairs of matching baby booties on clearance - one pair pink, the other blue - and I couldn't resist snatching them up!  Oh, I had so many hopes and dreams for this new little baby.

I went in for my first OB appointment and had my blood drawn to confirm the pregnancy, and about that same time I started getting some major morning (all day) sickness.  I was so relieved that my progesterone level and everything else looked great!  I felt just like I did with every other pregnancy, and after the blood work came back I thought everything was going along smoothly.  I couldn't wait to tell the kids and everyone else.  I was so excited and just giddy with anticipation of all that was to come.  Rodney and I laid in bed at night and whispered about how crazy our lives were about to become with six kids.  We were both so excited and happy about the very unexpected turn our lives were about to take.

Rodney went with me to my first real appointment, because I knew that I would probably get an ultrasound.  After a quick check by my OB, I was sent into the ultrasound room.  I was a little nervous, but I had only had "happy" news in that room in the past, so I figured everything was going to be just fine.  Well, unfortunately, everything was not fine.  The ultrasound technician found that the baby was measuring a bit small, and had a slower than average heart rate.  The biggest concern, however, was that the baby had a large yolk sac.  I had never heard of a large yolk sac before, but the tech told us that it is often a sign of an impending miscarriage.  I couldn't believe what she was saying.  She said, in the same breath, that it was sometimes "nothing," and sent us to talk with our doctor.  Rodney and I numbly sat there and waited for my doctor to talk to us.  I was praying the whole time that he would say that everything was probably going to be ok.  Unfortunately, he gently told us that there was only about a 15% chance that the baby would make it.  He basically told me that I should go home and wait for a miscarriage to happen.  Devastated doesn't begin to describe how I felt in that moment.  I went home and cried for most of the day, and Rodney and I just kept looking at each other in disbelief.  Surely, our baby would beat the odds and be ok, right?  We had to hold onto hope, because statistics were not in our favor.  I prayed continuously for the next 48 hours.

After a couple of days of crying out to God, and doing everything I could to just get through the day, I started having some serious cramping.  I called the nurse and she had me come in for another ultrasound.  This time, we were shocked to learn that the yolk sac had shrunk!  My doctor said he had never seen this happen before.  I started to believe that maybe we were, after all, getting our miracle baby.  The ultrasound technician even said that she was "cautiously optimistic."  I prayed even more fervently and started to believe that maybe, just maybe, everything was going to be ok.  The heart rate was still low, and the baby was measuring a bit behind, but there was hope.  We were scheduled for another ultrasound this past Monday, and we were hoping to see a strong heartbeat and some growth.

We had to wait in the waiting room for an agonizing hour before we were called back.  I was told to get undressed as the tech left the room.  Lying on that ultrasound table, I cried out to God as I never have before.  I begged him, bargained with him, and pleaded with him to make this right, to heal our baby.  As the ultrasound tech started the exam, she turned the screen toward me, and I knew right away that we were not getting our miracle.  My hopes and dreams ended right there, with a dark ultrasound screen.  The next few minutes are a blur to me - plans were made for me to have a D&C since I hadn't had a miscarriage on my own, papers were signed, hugs were given and "I'm so sorrys" were said.  None of it made any sense.  Could this really be happening?  Surely not.  We were having a baby - weren't we?

Yesterday I was given a D&C by the same doctor who delivered my other three babies.  How awful it must be to be a doctor who is so accustomed to helping give life, having to see it end.  As for me, I still feel pregnant.  I would have been ten weeks along today.  My hormones are a mess, and tears have been covering my face all day.  The nurse just called to check on me, and I couldn't even choke out the words to tell her how I was feeling.  She wants me to call her back tomorrow because she is worried about me.  I am worried about me, too.  I can't believe that this is now a part of my story.  I want to believe that there will be another baby, but I am not sure if my husband wants to go down this road again.  I keep praying to God to give me peace, and I hope that with time that comes.  For now, I am holding my three precious babies close, and looking forward to the day that I will hold my angel baby in Heaven.

Miss you everyday

Miss you in every way

But we know there’s a

day when we will hold you

You’ll kiss our tears away

When we’re home to stay

Can’t wait for the day when we will see you

But baby let sweet Jesus hold you

‘till mom and dad can hold you…

You’ll just have heaven before we do

~"Glory Baby" by: Watermark