I never shared on my blog that after my miscarriage, we had some genetic testing done. I needed to know that I hadn't done anything to cause the miscarriage, and I had to know what had happened. It's so hard to make sense of a loss like this, and I felt that having some medical knowledge of what happened would help me. When the doctors find out what happened medically, they also are able to find out the sex of the baby. My doctor didn't really want me to know this - I think he knew this would be hard for me to hear - but I simply had to know.
We found out that our baby had Trisonomy 16, which is a condition that is incompatible with life. Hearing that was very, very hard, but at least I knew that this was something that happened at conception and not something that I could have caused in any way.
We also found out that our baby was a girl. When the doctor told me, it literally brought me to my knees. For some reason, hearing that she was a little girl was harder for me to hear than even the day I found out her little heart had stopped beating. It rocked me to my core. Just knowing that I was carrying another wonderful daughter, but that she would never be here with me on earth, was almost too much to bear.
Some days, I am doing ok. More than ok, really - my other kids make my life so full and happy. Other days, I feel like I am in a well of sadness that I will never get out of. Little things set me off - seeing a tiny pink dress in a store window, watching the little girls at the dance studio come running out of class with their tutus and tights on, hearing the news of yet another friend getting pregnant. Or even things that are in my own head, thoughts about what could have been - what SHOULD have been. I know that God is in control, and His plan is perfect, but I still don't understand why this happened to me, and to my family. Today, Lindsey and I were walking through Target and we passed the infant girl clothing section. I glanced at Lindsey and she had tears in her eyes. She said, "Mom, I wish we still had our baby." I wanted to cry right there, but I held it together for her and said, "I know, honey, so do I." Seeing my children hurt just kills me. Oh how I wish this story had a different ending.
Rodney and I decided to give our little girl a name. I wanted a beautiful name for my beautiful daughter in Heaven. Her name is:
Olivia Grace
I would truly appreciate your prayers for me as I continue to learn how to accept our new reality. It is not easy. Many people close to me think that I should be "over" this, but I can safely say that I will never, ever be over it. I will miss my little girl every day for the rest of my life, and will look forward to the day that I can hold her. The truth is, I don't ever want to be "over" losing Olivia. I want to think of her every day, and give honor to her short time here with me.
My sweet Olivia, I love you to the moon and back. Please know how much we wanted you, and how very much we miss you. You are the brightest star in the sky. Love, Mommy
